I told my nephew how I felt about him letting my ex and his g/ f come stay there. He would show up to about 1/10 events. Does divorce warrant total detachment from ex family???? I can totally identify and have dealt with some hurtful crap, too! First, we went here, and then we did this . Practically, I could see it made sense . My grandson used to be at our house all the time land slept over a lot. Going through the same thing. You dont choose exes over your own kids period. They only know your Ex because of you My family said they didnt want to get involved but they felt sorry for my ex and fed him info about me that put me and others in danger, they had him over for coffee, took him out be me I was left to fend for myself even when he threatened me and changed the locks and emptied the bank accounts. Even if you are right they are HER family!!!! Which is crazy because Ive never once told my mom how I feel about her hanging out with him. If one spouse wants out while the other remains committed to the family, why should the committed partner be forced out of the relationships he or shes built? He is a charmer and manipulator. But I think that for the sake of emotional growth, you should not create more space between yourself and your family and begin to heal. From what I had found out later on.. He was also invited over to my sisters for Christmas and my husband and I had dinner at our house. This can include painting the ktber person as a bad parent, struggling to cope etc. I dont know how to deal with it, but Id like to get it sorted as were relocating soon and I dont want to take all this bad feeling with us. You can choose what you do, but not what they do. this is clearly just a lack of boundaries,and it is horrible, sorry I can relate! When I needed them the most, I feel they completely let me down. I am very happy in my relationship, he is a much nicer person, yet i still feel so crappy about this ex situation and i dont know how to resolve the issue, if I talked to her about it she wouldnt react well, I know that. There are so many demonic personalities that happen to put up a human skin with no heart or feeling. I cant believe my mom knows all of this but lies and sees my ex thinks he is such a great guy. In the past he was there unbeknownst to me. "@type": "Question", me and my bf are almost 3 years together it feels like hes not over hes ex he even made an fake Instagram account just to follow her he likes all her pics and who know he might have message her ?because he has done it in the past Having first hand experience with someone diagnosed with a personality disorder, things like narcissism might be an easy label to help ease you own pain, but require an in person professional diagnosis. They said they didnt wasnt to take sides but their supportive actions towards him over me showed that they clearly did and his victim stance and calculated composure reeled them in. My ex is my daughters step dad. Whats worse is she never had a kind word to say about him while we were married. Again, thank you. My ex has even friended a couple of guys I dated after we divorced and hangs out with them. You dont want your kids thinking, whats so wrong with dad that he warrants this rejection. My siblings were fooled and much family as well. React Reply Most Helpful Opinions lumos Follow Master Age: 27 , mho 55% +1 y Like this article? Since 2019 he has started writing in English on this website. Im wondering, Is he still thinking about his ex?. Obsessing over it is a natural response due to cognitive dissonance which is where your brain literally cant comprehend the opposing facts of this person that said they loved me but they in fact abused me and they abused me more when I stood up to them. He said he should have done it years ago. If you notice any of these, then you can be sure that he still likely has feelings for her, and might even consider getting back together with her. You have the power to do the same. One woman asked me: Im right now in a relationship with a man. You and only you are responsible for your feelings and no one can make you feel anything. The time and support of the family he never had time/ interest in Being cordial with your ex when they run into him is fine, but to have holidays, bbqs, make friends with his girlfriend, super bowl parties etc, uhbig NO. And its not giving you time to heal from the pain of divorce. I attended a couple but soon stopped because I wanted to cut ties with my ex, I didnt want to have to be around him. Its been years now so I made a new family Its hard yet focus on only good thoughts about YOU, be so busy getting busy with ensuring you love your life now that you finally forget about them. Perhaps he is a more hands on father but perhaps he is also a good actor? I searched for what to do when your family stays in contact with your ex. And I personally have no problem whatsoever with him or his girl. She knew of all the abuse the ex did, the hell she put him through in the divorce, she financially ruined him, put him in debt $36,000. My sister continues to say shes been the best sister but i beg to differ! But the fact that your sister had already invited your ex for Thanksgiving sounds to me like shes got some issues with you and doesnt respect your feelings and I know that your ex has some issues. My mom knows that he has dated 3-4 women after the divorce and cheated on them too and was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Where is his family? I suggest talking to a professional about it and trying to work through some of it. At least my dad doesnt respond back to him and sets boundaries but my mom does not. They were with each other for 5 years. few weeks ago when i was discussing with a friend about what am going through in the family he advise me to reach out to dr peter (peterwiseherbalcenter AT gmail. He was unhappy she didnt say anything. Psychologist's Reply. I have a slightly similar situation my ex out of the blue asks for divorce after I had been a good faithful loving supportive wife for 8. It just seems so disrespectful and unsupportive, and I cant imagine why shed WANT to come to our home except as a way to validate that by having her there, we like her as much as we love him. I told him to take me to her and lets all talk he said no. I always just wanted peace but they all want to control me . She sees his entire family and not me. Trust me. I just want to move far away and then I have a reason I dont have to explain to kids who dont get to grow with my family. I therefore knew that as much as I loved my dad; I wouldnt be attending his memorial. Everyone is so conflict avoidant and passive aggressive i that family im sure its not even discussed. He succeeded with most other than our children. No one ever asked my side. I was married for 12 years, I had two children before him we had two kids together. You are no being unreasonable. Not at all. This is beyond cordial. I am so sorry for mine, as well. Im Mrs. Dulce Beverly from the United States, I want to share a testimony of my life for each one. This is my life except that my child was grown before my divorce. Lowest of the low. I am not a prude and was not denying him, it is that he has some major problems. The kids and I spent the day at home together. You deserve to have your family and he needs to rely on his. I dont get it but I live with it as well. Youll know that when hes 100% focused on you. My ex does. Very manipulative. The easy solution is don't show up when she'll be there, columnist Carolyn Hax says. I have realised that my family fall into this category and as much as part of me still loves them I just wont have anything to do with them unless they changed which I dont believe they are capable of doing so. After 5 years of no contact with my family, I reached out the olive branch to my Dad and we have been in contact for 4 months but he still talks about my ex, what he is up to etc. thanks. Focus on yourself and your kids and spend time with people whose actions show they really value and care about you xx. Is never invite my ex along with his new piece to hang out. Its a no brainer. I was having some misunderstanding with my husband and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extend my husband do not come home anymore and he was seeking for a divorce. These posts confirm my feelings. She made a choice to leave her husband she needs to face the music and not try to manipulate other people, family or otherwise, to make the same choice. I get along with my brothers ex wife still, we message each other once every 3 or 4 months. Sending you a hug xx, Love xx hugs I need more were that came from. From the description in this story, the family is going WAY beyond being cordial. I was married to my husband Anderson, I love him so much that we have been married for seven years with two children. If you never have guess what they cant read minds. She likes the girl for whatever reasons, but I'd put down good money that she's not willing to lose her son for any length of time to keep the girl around. I am sure you love them as I did mine and because you would never make them feel bad or not be there for them you presume they will do the same but not everybody has the same heart or courage as you or your best interests in mind. My ex has 8 brothers and sisters but has decided to take my one sister also. The longer its been since they split up, the more likely it is that they truly are just friends, which is great! I am starting to think that my daughter got brainwashed in college and has a High-Conflict Personality Disorder. Ive been the sole parent from day 1. She responded and told me that yes, he would be there. Do you think your family are perhaps lacking in emotional intelligence? My ex was massive passive aggressive to me, but to the rest of the world he acts like he is a saint. Why cant your famiy see that you are distraught about how they handle things. Unless this is your first relationship, youre well aware that the way a relationship ends makes a big difference in the dynamic moving forward. They are master manipulators and will have laid the ground work for years; running you down and always presenting themselves as the victim. She should not be demanding that her family cut him off. I am never invited to his family gatherings, and dont expect to be but my family just say its because theyve been his family for so long. Also I dont think a lot of you are being realistic in this situation or are even remotely trying to see it through anyone elses eyes but there own. I was shocked. Its clear loyalty issues are causing you hurt. So if hes not willing to introduce you yet, it really means that hes not ready to replace her yet. "The breakup has to be civilized," Relationship and etiquette expert April Masini tells Elite Daily. Sadly, this helps. I agree with you! Most likely because he still wants to be part of her life somehow, in some way. I fully believe that my family think they are being nice and mature by associating with my ex. It has nothing to do with his ex. She will volunteer it. Prayers for you. I dont want a forced relationship with them. I helped him through law school. I was better off when we werent speaking. Perhaps instead of the wronged people being expected to do all the forgiving the enablers should take a long, hard look at their own behaviour and the part they played and ask for forgiveness themselves. Perhaps, he is still friends with his ex. Take care. More important then you, or your x. I cannot stand my ex sometimes but, at nearly all family functions, he is there. They have 3 kids together ages 21, 13, and 11. It seams to me that this must happen more when the women initiates the divorce. He might slouch or be unkempt, only to suddenly straighten up and fix his clothes and hair when he notices you're near. You are not the only person here. I not only lost her, but her kids were like my own. And that book and therapy have help me to release myself from my families manipulation and emotional neglect/abuse. But Im remarried to a man who loves and stands beside me. Good luck! I came across this post because this was bothering me so much and wondered if others thought this was normal? If your family is healthy, they would nudge him along, however, when your siblings embrace him and continue the relationship they are disrespecting you and your choices. I would feel betrayed if its family. I hope the OG can either solve the situation with her folks and ex or let go of the pain. People tell themselves anything to rationalize crazy behavior. She told me not to worry about her having a similar problem before and introduce me to a man named Dr. IYAYA, who cast a spell on her ex boyfriend and brought it back to her after 3 days. That way, the burden is on THEM to ask about your feelings and if they choose to ignore it, then you will know that they KNOW its wrong but ignoring it. I am sure it is very painful for the original poster to be watching her family remain too close with her ex. Trust no man It is you against the world. I now realise that mine had been doing a number on me with my own family for years setting the stage to become the victim when he was the perpetrator and I sadly have come to the conclusion that the members of my family who supported him have pretty much the same characteristics. My sister came to visit me a year and a half after our separation with her family and then left out the part about how they were leaving to stay with him for several days immediately after. You will always see him at graduations and weddings for your kids. I lost my best friend, who cheated with my ex. I would actually suggest its a mothers love thats not sincere for her own child if she cant support her own flesh and blood. He is merely playing them and using them to inflict you pain and here they are thinking youre just hysterical or over reacting. I remember when my older sisters stopped seeing boyfriends that Id got to know really well and not being able to believe Id have to say goodbye to them forever. Be the bigger person and when you need to have conflict in the family, with a family member, make sure it is over something way more serious and worth the fight.. In sign #6 Ill explain how you can prevent him from saying these kinds of things in the future. Stop obsessing over it. I was confident that I was going to marry him, but it didn't work out that way. By SuziePal Updated: July 30, 2021Categories: Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Coping with Divorce, Inspirational Stories and Advice. My advice to you, is that if it gets BROUGHT UP during conversation, do not be afraid to state your real feelings. (I was single at the time.) Its not that he even wanted my kids, he just wanted to take everything away from me. So, you might need to get used to it as long as it's nothing suspicious. Especially when I found out my ex bought one of them a house!! I feel for you because my ex tried to destroy me in every way possible when we split 7 years ago. I really am. I couldnt wait for them to move so I could have a relationship with them. I should just get over it. Also, if your boyfriend was previously married, he might keep the pictures of his ex-wife. Looks like you have a good excuse to blame everything on her. Did they feel that you wronged him or cheated on him? What does seem clear is that your boyfriend sincerely considers it mostly his fault that they divorced, and both he and his ex-wife . It doesnt, especially if they dont want it to. To figure out if hes not over his ex, there are two things you should consider: Suppose he has children with her. Thats how beyond myself I am!!! My sister made friends with my ex on Facebook. My mom said because of how it would effect my brother. I have asked him not to step on me, especially where I am not invited, but he wont give that because he was never capable of taking care of me when we were married, and wont now. And, it does. We have now been divorced for 10 years and I am remarried and my ex has made a point to visit and contact my parents. Crazy to read thisIts quite refreshing though to see I am not the only one because its so toxic and we shouldnt have to feel this way. I feel it was beyond disrespectful, and now Ive completely had it. We havent talked in 5 years. You are not alone! When he went on vacation to France, he referred to a woman named Peggy, he told me that he is no longer interested in our marriage. Nobody will care about you or attend your funeral. I never did anything batshit apart to leave a man who I found out since day one had been manipulating my good nature. Make sure you get along enough to try to do whats best for your kids" My heart is broken and I cry a lot. It does take a certain person to be secure with their SO having a close relationship with their ex. I have learned to just ignore him since my children are 21 and 32. Please let me share a couple of things with you. The problem is not her ex or her family. Them hanging out or keeping in contact with him has allowed my ex to treat me as he has. During the 2nd week he started shacking with a woman he met at a club in my Mothers rental. That you should basically suck it all up that there should be no revision at all regarding your exes or your families behaviour? I have asked my siblings that if he or my children wanna bring him to a visit at their homes to just say Ask my sister. I have been with my boyfriend for 8years now we still live separately he said he likes the way things are hes ex keeps asking him to do jobs around her house for her and he does it iam very uncomfortable with this but he says she has my kids so I will do things for her there kids are all grown up now and have there own lives he doesnt care that iam upset about it he has become very distant with me he always want me to spend money on him its always about him he doesnt appreciate anything I do for him iam at a dead end cant do this anymore iv had enough. Its just not normal. He would show up to eat and then leave when it was anything to do with my family. Sadly she will probably never be able to have insight into what shes doing wrong but i wanted to reassure you that how you feel is completely normal and although you are obviously distressed are handling it in a very mature manner. It's ridiculous to ask you to come to his family events with his ex there. I am sorry that you are being hurt this way. Ive known this man since I was 17 years old (Im 38 now) and the past feelings and experiences we had as kids, sticks with me and I tell myself its meant to be. My ex lives in her rent house. It will cause more pain in the family. They agree and do it behind my back, and ignore me. The other suggests that I should try to just accept that this is the way things are going to be. I told him to take it off and not do that again. The same thing has happened to me and it hurts like hell! Ultimately, through their friendship, they realized for themselves what type of person he was and left him alone. Needless to say, when having to choose whose family my adult children spend holidays with, its never me. and when i asked her to stop texting my husband, she called me with rascal and she said she been knew this fam for 15 years. No. Your kids had nothing to do with you two splitting up. "If you and your ex have children together, its in everyones best interests that you get along with your exs family," Masini says. Its been almost a decade since my divorce and my ex will be with our 4 grown (all in their 20s now) kids for Thanksgiving. guess what You cannot accept the fact that your perceived value far exceeds your worth so you constantly have to prop up the false character you have created to fool everyone yet once again I remind you that I can see right through your masks. However, there isnt peace about it, I miss my family and have no dealings with them whilst my ex husband is still around with another new girlfriend. Ive always been second to his new family and rarely hear from him. i told him ill help hom get throu he wanted me 2 b at his sentences hearing 2 b a creatable witness on his b half say something good bout him it help knock down his time basically he wanted me 2 lie 2 the judge . I still Ill have her in divorce. Uh. They even fed him information and made the situation worse they actually put me in physical danger. It is just plain weird for a mother to deliberately upset her daughter by choosing to over involve herself with her daughters ex husband and new girlfriend. I have a young son and daughter but I love my in-laws and see no need to sever my ties with them just because my wife ended our marriage. I realise this post is in response to a very old thread but I would still like to voice my opinion because as I read through the comments, I could not see one that reflected mine. I am a very private person. This sounds like the ex has gone out of his way to include himself in the family. This will make the girlfriend uncomfortable and you will find that they attend your family functions less and less. You need to let them know that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. My ex and his mistress has taken over my family but we had no children together. I am going through the exact situation! Be as honest as you can bear. Whether or not you can stay friends with an ex's family depends on the relationship, as well as their relationship with their family, so I talked to an expert to get the details for you. . I feel you. She takes the the kids she has to the family gatherings plus my family clearly wont cut her out at all because of the kids. I went through my divorce 3 years ago. Me and my ex had five kids in the house all together a set of twins where mine biological kids with her. Id be saying something to my family and if they cant see where they are wrong in this and cant see how this affects you on such a deep level, then I think something far more is going on inside your family. She got bored with her ex (because, most likely, her narcissism). Your family is out of line. Those kids are see whats happening & in the future its actually hurting them. Im so hurt and feel a real sense of loss. Anyways, my ex and the girl he cheated on me with, our daughter and my mom hang out together all the time. When I finally got the courage to do it and was made homeless and had to go to a hostel with my children. I dont get to know and spend time with them- thats YOUR fault. Im in a new relationship, which I want to cultivate, and I cant bring her anywhere as I feel as though my family just supports my ex. thank you dr peter . Its actually his family. Can you really still love people that treat you so badly and is the everyday pain really preferable to the fear you feel of letting go? On me with, its never me he even wanted my kids, he might keep the of... Want it to family as well this was normal pictures of his ex-wife to just ignore him my... Can relate and that book and therapy have help me to release myself my. Kids period the description in this story, the family is going way being. Split up, the more likely it is horrible, sorry i can!! 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